Most couples arrive in crisis. Not always the dramatic kind with shouting and slammed doors, though sometimes that happens too. More often it is the quieter, worn-out kind of crisis. The “We’ve tried talking, we’ve tried not talking, we’ve tried Googling things at midnight and nothing is changing” kind. When you finally reach the point where you’re ready to ask for help, the last thing you want is to walk into therapy, open up something painful, and suddenly realise the session is over just as things are getting real.
This is one of the biggest reasons I believe a 90-minute sessions helps couples make meaningful progress much sooner. It is not about simply adding more time to talk. It is about building enough space for safety, clarity and a sense of direction. When you’re hurting, rushed therapy can feel like reopening a wound without enough time to tend to it. A longer first session creates a very different experience from the moment you arrive.
Why 60 Minutes Isn’t Enough
Imagine trying to land a jumbo jet on a short runway. That is what a standard 50 to 60-minute first session often feels like for couples who have been struggling for a long time. The timeline is almost always the same. The first ten minutes are spent settling in and finding the words to describe what has brought you here. By the twenty-minute mark emotions have risen and stories are coming out in fragments. Around the halfway point, something important usually surfaces: a pattern, a hurt, a fear that has been sitting under the surface for ages. And right when we are finally in the heart of things, the clock runs out.
A short first session can leave couples stirred up but without any sense of relief. You pack up with the tension still hanging between you and go back to the car feeling unresolved. It is not that 60-minute sessions are wrong. It is simply that when couples are in distress, the work needs more space to breathe.
What the Research Shows (EFT, Gottman, Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy)
Couples therapy research across several major modalities highlights the same essential truth: relationship repair requires emotional safety, nervous system regulation and enough time to understand what is really happening underneath the conflict. All of these things take longer than an hour when a therapist is meeting you for the first time.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), one of the most widely researched approaches for couples, shows that the very first stage of therapy is all about de-escalation. Before anything can change, the emotional fire needs to settle. That means helping partners slow down, tune into what they are actually feeling and understand how their cycle of conflict pulls them into the same painful place again and again. This is tender work and rushing it is counterproductive.
Gottman Method Couples Therapy brings another important piece of research into the picture. Decades of observation from John and Julie Gottman show that distressed couples often start difficult conversations in a state of physiological flooding. Their heart rates are elevated, breathing is shallow and their bodies are braced for conflict. When someone is flooded, they literally cannot take in new information or communicate clearly. Research suggests that couples often need twenty or thirty minutes just to calm down enough to be able to think. In a short session half the time is spent just getting regulated.
Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy, which focuses on nervous system responses, moment-to-moment awareness and the embodied experience of connection, also recognises the need for longer sessions. This approach pays close attention to what happens in the body between partners. It works with subtle cues like shifts in posture, micro-expressions, tone of voice and patterns of emotional activation. These dynamics cannot be explored meaningfully under time pressure. Longer sessions create room for the couple to stay attuned to themselves and each other without rushing into old defensive habits.
Taken together, these research-backed models point toward the same conclusion. If we want genuine progress early in the process, we need more time in the room.
What Actually Happens in a 90-Minute First Session
A 90-minute session isn’t just “more therapy time.” It is a different experience entirely. The extra space allows you to settle into the work rather than feeling like you have to cram an entire history of your relationship into a tight timeframe.
The first part of the session becomes a gentle landing instead of a rushed introduction. You have time to breathe, look around, settle your shoulders and feel the room. When you start talking, you do not have to fight to fit your whole experience into short soundbites. Both partners get a chance to share what has been happening and what it has felt like without worrying about the clock.
With the extra time, we can begin to notice emotional patterns. There is space to explore what triggers disconnection and what each partner is really longing for beneath frustration, anger or silence. These patterns are often surprising, and couples frequently say, “We didn’t realise this is what we were doing,” or “We haven’t talked this way in years.”
A longer session also gives us time to de-escalate tension that may rise as difficult truths surface. Instead of leaving when everything feels raw, you get the chance to re-regulate, reconnect and feel steadier before walking out the door. By the end of the session we have time to create a clear roadmap forward including what therapy will look like, what the main focus should be and what steps you can take at home. Most couples leave feeling hopeful, not overwhelmed.
Why 90-Minute Sessions Especially Help High-Conflict Couples
High-conflict couples are often not struggling because they care too little but because they care so deeply that emotions run high. When tempers flare easily, shorter sessions can unintentionally make things worse. There simply is not enough time to ride the wave of emotion and come back down again in a regulated, connected way.
With 90 minutes, we can slow things down, notice the escalation before it takes over and help each partner stay grounded. There is room to practice new communication skills in real time, something that is nearly impossible when the session ends just as a breakthrough is happening. The extra space makes it much easier to calm the nervous system, understand the deeper dynamic and create an actual shift instead of repeating the same argument with a therapist watching.
Why 90-Minute Sessions Matter for Affair Recovery
Affair recovery is its own kind of emotional earthquake. It brings grief, anger, fear, shame and confusion all at once. Trying to address something so delicate in a short session can feel destabilising for both partners. A longer first session allows both people to speak without feeling rushed, judged or cut off. It creates room for tears, silence and the slow, difficult process of naming what has happened.
The first step in affair recovery is always stabilisation. Before trust can be rebuilt, we need to calm the emotional crisis and create enough safety that the injured partner feels seen and the partner who strayed feels grounded enough to be open. Both voices matter. Both experiences matter. A 90-minute session makes it easier to hold this balance with compassion and direction.
If You Are Considering Couples Therapy
You deserve a first session that gives your relationship the space it needs to begin healing. Not a rushed conversation or a quick skim across the surface but time to slow down, understand each other and start building a path forward.
A 90-minute first session is not about talking more. It is about healing sooner, with clarity and stability rather than urgency and pressure. When you are ready, you can book your first 90-minute session in Auckland CBD, Titirangi, Glen Eden, Ellerslie, Papatoetoe, Rotorua or Sydney.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the same painful cycles. Change is absolutely possible and it can start right now.
