Affair, Betrayal and Infidelity Therapy and Recovery
Betrayal First Aid - Gain simple and effective skills to recover from Betrayal Shock
Free Phase 1 Betrayal Recovery Course based on neuroscience, attachment theory and 20 years of working with affairs
Recovering from Betrayal, Affairs and Infidelity
Watch the video below, it has an important message to help you move forward.
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Betrayal Affects Your Sense of Identity, Reality and Safety
Navigate the first week after discovering betrayal. Learn how to implement a structured self-care plan, utilize powerful body-based techniques, and give yourself permission to move through emotional responses.
Betrayal First Aid is meant to help you simple skills that will help you with two goals:
1. Prioritize your safety and survive the first week
2. Navigate the effects of gaslighting and deception
Download Betrayal First AidWhat is Betrayal First Aid?
What is Betrayal First Aid?
Betrayal First Aid are basic skills and strategies that a betrayed person can use to manage short term emotional pain and to shorten their recovery time. The content and videos contained on this website are the most important steps. The "Download Betrayal First Aid " buttons will give you access to our course portal which includes:
- Surviving the First Week After Betrayal
- Betrayal First Aid
- Downloadable PDFs
- Downloadable Audio Files
For the Betraying Partner
For the Betraying Partner
If you have betrayed your intimate partner and need help, please contact admin@betrayalfirstaid.com for assistance.
For Professionals
Professional Training on working with Affairs, Betrayal and Infidelity
Learn skills and strategies to help your clients work through betrayal, affairs and infidelity.
3 Important Things to Remember after an Affair, Betrayal or Infidelity
Watch the video below to learn more
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Prioritise your Safety and survive the First Week after Betrayal
Betrayal is like a tsunami, unexpected and overwhelming, and requires strategies for survival and clean up. And like a tsunami, betrayal is not the betrayed's fault.
Infidelity affects attachment systems and body response. During the first few weeks it is important to acknowledge and accept your emotions.
Learn to cope with betrayal and its effects on your mental health
Common Problems:
- Fight or Flight system is activated - increased startle reflex
- Tight chest and lightheadedness
- Sleep disturbances
- Loss of appetite and nausea
- Physical weakness
Understand the Physical and Emotional Responses to Betrayal
The next video will explain how to breathe, stretch and eat to decrease these physical problems.
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Navigate the Effects of Gaslighting and Deception after an Affair, Betrayal or Infidelity.
The betrayers gaslighting and deception damages your sense of reality and identity. After learning of a betrayal there are common effects. Panic is a short-term survival response designed to protect you from harm, but can lead to reactive decision-making and paranoid thinking. The amygdala hijack response, where the brain's threat response is automatic and not under conscious control will increase your startle response. The initial stages of a betrayal your brain may be in a "black and white mode" and struggle to process complex emotions.
After an affair it is common for the betrayed partner to try and solve these problems with what is termed the 'Interrogation Cycle.' Functioning adults learn to understand their problems by understanding the cause. Hence we ask 'Why.' Here are the problems with entering the Why Spiral:
- There is no good story
- We mostly don't believe the story (paranoia due to their deception)
- Betrayer is typically not attuned and may be intentionally or unintentionally gaslighting or staggering/limiting disclosure (also a form of gas lighting)
- Every answer opens more questions
- Triggers Amygdala Hijack - no access to Hippocampus (IE, you feel the pain, but can't assimilate the information)
- Normally no immediate fix so it just adds problems - You have enough already
- The triggered brain is primed for searing memories - what you see you won't forget
Understanding the Interrogation Cycle after Betrayal
The biggest problem with asking 'Why' after betrayal: The 'Why' question moves you off your center and out of the present.
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Strategies to minimise the harm after betrayal
Be kind to yourself. You do need to know some things and it is completely valid to ask why. Your brain is going to be pestering you to satisfy your “Why?” When you get triggered you will override your intentions. The reality is that you have almost certainly fallen into this spiral already. The next video will explain more about this process.
3 Ways to not Make Things Worse after Betrayal, Affairs or Infidelity
Watch the video to learn more
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Managing the Interrogation Cycle to Minimise Staggered Disclosures after Betrayal
Realistically, you have already asked why questions. Why questions, have a place in recovering from betrayal... but not now. Now, you are focused on surviving and getting help. Use these strategies instead:
- Get a journal, write down your why questions
- Stay present, focus on the now
- Have specific and verifiable promises from your partner (IE I'll be home tonight at 6 PM, as opposed to I'll be home on time from now on.)
Understanding the What not Why:
- Get relevant, accurate Information
- Can be Verified - Verifies/Disproves Trustworthiness
- Minimising Searing and Amygdala Hijack
Challenges
- Overwhelm - Betrayer and Betrayee
- Self Protection - Mostly Betrayer problem
- Absorption - Betrayee Problem
Delivery Method
Normally this ship has sailed but low impact is better
- Use the What Checklist when you want to ask questions
- Record all other questions
Learn how to ask Question to feel More in Control After Betrayal
Watch the video to learn more.
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Use 'What' Questions to Increase Truth and Emotional Safety
The questions on the 'What Questions' list are created to give you verifiable information, address safety concerns and increase the probability of truthful answers. Obviously the betrayer may continue to deceive and gaslight.
These questions are available as a printable PDF in the Betrayal First Aid course.
Download Betrayal First AidAffairs, Betrayals and Infidelity are Emergencies, Get Help
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How long does it take to recover from Affairs, Betrayal and Infidelity?
If you read through this page and watch the videos, you have learned the minimal skills and strategies for getting through phase 1. It is suggested that you get access to the full Betrayal First Aid course which will help you get through the next week or two until you can see a professional. Whether you decide to stay or leave your partner, there are 3 more steps to recovering from a betrayal.
Discovering a betrayal, affair or infidelity is an emergency that affects all parts of your life. At this time, it makes sense to be uncertain as to whether or not you will continue in your relationship. And, at this time, it's not your goal to make that decision.
By utilising the resources on this website, many people move out of phase 1. People notice a substantial decrease in emotional pain. Betrayalfirstaid.com recommends that you meet with a qualified relationship professional who is experience in working with affairs and betrayal ASAP. This will help you move through the phases and not be stuck.
If you need help to find a qualified relationship professional, here is a list of experts who are available online.
Relate Team MembersPhase 1: Acute Shock and Stabilization
Goal: Reduce stress, establish emotional stability, and seek professional help
Duration: Varies, but focus is on exiting this phase as soon as possible
Characteristics: Initial shock and trauma of discovery, intense stress, potential for staggered disclosures and repeated betrayals
Tasks: Primary self-care (eating, sleeping, etc.), emotional regulation, seeking support from professionals and loved ones
Exiting Phase 1: Stabilization, reduction in frequency of shock and disclosures
Phase 2: Emotional Processing and Regulation
Goal: Learn to accept and manage intense emotions, establish a foundation for recovery with the help of a therapist
Duration: Typically 8-12 weeks, but can be prolonged if not actively working on recovery
Characteristics: Intense emotional waves, potential for numbing/dissociation as a coping mechanism
Tasks: Therapeutic work on emotional validation, self-regulation, and communication strategies
Exiting Phase 2: Decreased frequency of intense emotional triggers, ability to forget about the betrayal for periods of time
Phase 3: Rebuilding and Restructuring
Goal: Address underlying relationship issues, work on restoring trust, and create a vision for "Relationship 2.0"
Duration: Typically 3-9 months, with most people spending around 5-7 months in this phase
Characteristics: Therapeutic disclosures, impact statements, active trust-building, conflict management
Tasks: Analysis of the affair, developing strategies for triggers and trust, nurturing emotional resilience
Exiting Phase 3: Completion of disclosures and impact statements, significant progress towards Relationship 2.0, improved communication and conflict management
Phase 4:Maintenance and Emergence
Goal: Solidify gains, establish maintenance plans, and transition out of intensive therapy
Duration: Varies, but typically involves periodic check-ins with a therapist for support and guidance
Characteristics: Consolidation of a new relationship paradigm (either together or apart), re-emergence into a new life phase
Tasks: Developing maintenance plans, preparing for potential future triggers, exploring new relationship possibilities (if applicable)
How do you Move out of the First Affair Recovery Stage?
By utilising the resources on this website, many people move out of phase 1. People notice a substantial decrease in emotional pain. Betrayalfirstaid.com recommends that you meet with a qualified relationship professional who is experience in working with affairs and betrayal ASAP. Working through betrayal is not intuitive and many people cycle back through phase 1 multiple times if they don't get help.
If you cannot find a qualified relationship professional, here is a list of experts who are available online.
Can I get more help?
Free Affair Recovery Program for Phase 1
Download Betrayal First Aid and get Extended Courses. If you read through this page and watched the videos, you have seen the minimal skills and strategies for getting through phase 1. It is suggested that you get access to the full Betrayal First Aid course which will help you get through the next week or two until you can see a professional.
The full Betrayal First Aid course will include the videos on this webpage, plus extensive discussion of these topics. Our experience is that it is helpful to be able to download the PDFs as reminders and some people find listening to the audio recordings at night or while walking to be helpful.