Mastering Communication and Conflict Resolution for Couples

How can we improve communication in our marriage?

If you’ve ever had a conversation that started with “We need to talk…” and ended with one of you walking out of the room, you’re not alone. I used to think that just talking more was the answer, but I’ve learned it’s more about how we talk.

To get started:

• Face each other - talking over your shoulder about important issues triggers threat responses for mammals.
• Put your phone down—it communicates that your partner is the priority
• Express appreciation regularly. ("Thanks for doing the dishes" builds your emotional bank balance that helps when things get tough")
• Make time for weekly check-ins that aren’t just about logistics (Our Relationship Check in exercise will help you do just this).

The “5 Secrets of Relationship Champions” gives exercises and live demo's to make this simple.

What strategies help in resolving recurring conflicts?

Ever feel like you're having the same fight over and over again? (Gottman's research indicated that 2/3rds of fights are unsolvable e.g. lateness, spending, tidiness). Happy couples talk about issues in ways that enhance the connection and help their partner feel seen.

Try this:

• Listen for your partner's longing e.g. a serene environment, to feel special or celebrated.
• Set ground rules—no yelling, no interrupting, no dragging up 2012.
• Don't put yourself down your partner wnts the house tidier - nobody is bad it's just a preference - how do you show kindness and love to each other in this area.
• If you keep getting stuck and particularly if your parental role models struggled with this too you might find therapy could give you some more options.

How do we handle disagreements when both believe they're right?

You might both be right. Logic and Emotion are not opposites just different lenses

Here’s what works:

• Focus on shared goals so everyone “wins.”
• Learn to say “You might be right” (Pro Tip if you think they 100% wrong you are probably triggered and not listening well because of it).
• Know when you are triggered - acknowledge it and take a break.

What role does empathy play in marital communication?

One of the biggest turning points in many marriages is when a partner stopped trying to fix everything and just says, “That sounds really hard.”

Empathy doesn’t mean you agree—it means you care enough to step into your partner’s world.

• Try listening without jumping to solutions.
• Reflect back what you hear: “So you felt ignored when I didn’t respond?”
• Respond gently, even if you’re upset.

It’s amazing how far a little “I get it” can go. In fact research shows this is how we build trust in a relationship - empathy builds trust that you care about your partner.

How can we rebuild trust after a major argument?

We’ve all had those fights. The kind where something’s said that can’t be unsaid. Rebuilding trust takes time—but it’s doable.

• Start with a real, vulnerable apology (no “I’m sorry you felt that way”).
• Talk about what led up to the blowup—not just what happened.
• Create clear boundaries to avoid going down that road again.

If that little voice in your head still says “Can I really trust them?”—therapy can help you rebuild connection from the inside out.

Is it normal to have frequent small disagreements?

Totally. Disagreements are like pimples: annoying, normal, and sometimes a sign you need to wash your face (aka talk things through).

What matters most is:

• How often you fight.
• How intense things get.
• Whether repair happens afterward.

If small stuff feels big all the time, couples therapy can help cool things down and reset your patterns.

How do we deal with totally different communication styles?

Ever feel like you're speaking two different languages? You're all about heart-to-hearts, while your partner would rather shoot off a quick text and call it a day. It's frustrating, right?

Here’s how we stopped going in circles and started actually connecting:

Some people need time to think. Others need to talk it out now. Neither is wrong—but it helps to know what you’re working with.

Maybe deep convos happen in person, but everyday stuff gets handled over text or notes. Flexibility beats fighting every time.

It’s a tool we use to step into each other’s emotional space—so we’re not just hearing each other, we’re feeling heard.

The goal isn't to become someone you're not. It's about finding your rhythm together so communication feels less like a tug-of-war and more like teamwork. (Look at our self paced communication course)

What are effective ways to discuss sensitive topics?

Money. Sex. Parenting. These conversations can make anyone sweat. But you don’t have to dread them.

Start here:

• Choose the right time (not at bedtime).
• Begin by asking, “Can I share something that’s been on my heart?”
• Focus first on listening to understand, not defend.
• Focus on how can we both win in this.

The best talks we’ve had started with curiosity, not a lecture.

How can we prevent misunderstandings from escalating?

A lot of our worst fights started because one of us assumed something the other never meant. Sound familiar?

To de-escalate:

• Clarify intentions early: “Just checking—did you mean…?”
• Stay curious instead of getting defensive.
• Imagine how your best friend would interpret it—it softens your lens.

Little tweaks can prevent big blowups.

If you want to see how misunderstandings blow up into fights - Look at our infographic 'Understanding Relationships.'

What impact does non-verbal communication have?

Let’s be real—your partner knows when you’re mad, even if you say, “I’m fine.” Your body says it all.

Keep in mind:

• 93% of communication is non-verbal (tone + body language).
• Eye rolls? Crossed arms? They say more than your words.
• Match your body to your intention—if you’re trying to connect, show it.

Sometimes the best “I’m sorry” is in a hug or gentle tone, not a long speech.

How do we manage conflicts about finances?

Money talk used to give me hives. It wasn’t just about dollars—it was about values, security, and sometimes control. Once we finally sat down and talked openly (after many failed budgeting apps), things began to shift.

What helps:

• Have monthly “money dates” to check in on spending and goals.
• Be transparent about accounts, debts, and purchases.
• Talk about what money means to each of you. Is it freedom? Security? A source of anxiety?
• Talk about Debt/Income ratios and savings buffers - people have very specific needs in this area.

Money doesn’t have to be a fight—it can be a path to deeper understanding, safety and connection.

What if one partner avoids conflict while the other confronts issues directly?

This one hits close to home. I’m the talk-it-out type, and my partner? Let’s just say... conflict avoidant. It took us a while (and one very quiet weekend) to realize we needed a new strategy.

Tips for balance:

• Schedule structured time to talk so it’s not a surprise attack.
• Use gentle start-ups: “I want to feel closer, can we talk about something?”
• Try the "Pursuers and Avoiders" course if you often feel stuck in this cycle.

Opposites can absolutely work together—it just takes a shared playbook.

How can we keep communication strong during stressful times?

When life gets chaotic—kids, work, illness—it’s easy to let connection slide. We use a metaphor at Relate that really stuck with me: your relationship is a boat, and it’s your job to protect it from the storm.

Here’s how:

• Prioritize daily emotional check-ins, even just 5 minutes.
• Share appreciation and encouragement often—it’s fuel.
• Watch this video on protecting your relationship boat: YouTube Link

Stressful seasons pass, but staying emotionally anchored keeps you together.

What are the signs of unhealthy communication patterns?

If you find yourself thinking “Here we go again,” during arguments—pay attention. I used to feel torn between wanting to express myself and not wanting to hurt my partner. That inner tug-of-war is real.

Orange flags to watch:

• Criticism - Defensive patterns

At low levels these are common - however they should be addressed by readjusting to a more gentle tone and by taking responsibility - and the issue should get addressed

Red flags to watch:

• Stonewalling—one partner shuts down and stays shut down.
• Contempt—sarcasm, eye-rolling, disrespect.

These two relationship killers make it impossible to solve problems collaboratively if they keep coming up relationship therapy can help find out what is causing the block so you can move forward.

How do we handle disagreements about parenting?

Parenting differences are super common. Add in a kid with special needs, trauma, or ADHD, and the stress can skyrocket. What saved us was learning to unite before we tried to correct behavior.

What helps:

• Get clear on your shared parenting values.
• Talk disagreements out away from the kids.
• Book a consultation with Dr. Nike Franke for expert guidance tailored to your child’s needs.

You don’t have to agree on everything—you just need to move as a team.

Can setting boundaries improve our communication?

Short answer: yes. Long answer: YES. We used to think “closeness” meant talking 24/7. But guess what? Even soulmates need space.

Try these boundaries:

• No serious convos in bed—protect your sleep and sex zone.
• Take breaks when things get heated (it’s not avoidance unless you don't come back, it’s wisdom).
• Respect each other’s time and energy.

Healthy boundaries aren’t walls. They’re doors—with doorknobs on both sides.

How do we deal with external family influences causing conflict?

Ah, in-laws. External family conflict sneaks into marriage like a nosy neighbor. Most couples have to set some boundaries and stand united.

Here’s what works:

• Decide on what your family culture is going to be - take the good from your family and edit out the bad stuff.
• Agree ahead of time how you’ll handle difficult relatives.
• Use “we” language: “We’ve decided to do it this way.”
• Protect your partner from your family if necessary
• Protect your partner from their family if necessary
• Debrief after family gatherings to reconnect and reset.

You’re not being rude—you’re protecting your relationship’s front door.

What role does forgiveness play in resolving conflicts?

Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting your partner to get sick. Forgiveness is messy but essential.

To start:

• Initiate a conversation - including if you know your partner is upset with you.
• Forgive to free yourself, not just your partner.
• Talk honestly about what hurt and what needs to change.
• If forgiveness feels impossible, therapy can help unlock the stuck places.

You don’t have to forget—but you can move forward.

How can we ensure both partners feel valued during disagreements?

Validation changed everything for this example: I didn’t need to agree with my partner to say, “I can see why you feel that way.”

Ways to help each other feel seen:

• Acknowledge their emotions: “That sounds frustrating.”
• Avoid sarcasm or dismissiveness, even if you're hurt.
• Ask, “Is there something I can do right now to help you feel heard?”

Respect in conflict is what keeps love safe.

What resources can help us improve our communication skills?

When in doubt—learn it out. Communication isn’t something you either “have” or “don’t.” It’s a skill. And like any skill, it can be practiced.

Our go-to recommendations:

• The 5 Secrets, Escaping Fight Club, and our Communication Course from Relate’s School of Love.
• Couples counseling for personalized support.

You’re not broken—you’re just learning. Keep going.