After the Affair: Decoding the Sexual Blueprint for Betrayal Disclosure

Elevate your practice: Gain confidence and expertise in navigating affair disclosures and transforming unhealthy relationship patterns

Couples struggle with the impact on their relationship of changing cultural narratives. Traditionally, in Western European cultures people had limited romantic partner options and settled into committed, monogamous heterosexual relationships for life. Affairs and other indiscretions were addressed by the church and couples should ‘stay together for the sake of the children.’ This narrative is changing and ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ and ‘you can do better’ encourage separation. At the same time online dating apps and the visibility of ethically non-monogamous life-styles lead many couples and individuals to question the role or need of commitment within relationships. At the same time increasing social isolation means that the expectations for social, emotional and intimate support within relationships are These societal changes highlight the prevalence of ‘trust breaches’ within relationships. Often an individual’s behavior is driven by their developmental history of which they are generally unaware of. This presentation examines Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy’s Sexual and Developmental Blueprint which is designed to help individuals understand the developmental, behavioural, contextual, social and emotional drivers of their sexual and relational behaviour. Relationship counselors need to help clients identify their values, beliefs, longings as well as their sexual and developmental history.

Creating this developmental and sexual map or blueprint is not something that is typically taught systematically and often relies on the therapist’s own formulation (which may or may not be articulated).  Yet this deprives the client of the opportunity to more fully explore and articulate their own understanding of their life narrative and to have this available for future explaining and updating.  

The Certified Sex Addiction Therapy (CSAT) model is one of the few approaches that tends to try and develop this blueprint for use within a “Full Disclosure’ process where a sex addict discloses all of their sexual acting out behaviour to a partner.  However the CSAT model has limitations for couples work which include an individual focus, abstinence as a goal, complete disclosure which is often an unnecessarily long and painful process. Furthermore the CSAT model presumes sex addiction and many betraying partners are not sex addicts.

Presence-Oriented Relationship Therapy (PORT) has developed a hybrid model integrating some of the CSAT process with the Erotic Blueprint, components of the Adult Attachment Inventory and PORT's Relational Brain Model. Combining clinical insights within the ideas of these counselling modalities, the Sexual and Developmental Blueprint gives counsellors a structured process to help support clients through developing their own sexual and developmental blueprint.

PORT’s Sexual and Developmental Blueprint is a new project that is designed to help clients gain insight into their past sexual and relational behavior. It utilizes the concepts of the "4 loves" to identify and explain sexual and relational milestones correlating with PORT's Relational Brain Model. The protocol takes place over 16 week using desensitization principles to manage shame, narrative principles to identify strengths, identification of unexpressed desires and urges. While the original purpose of PORT’s Sexual and Developmental Blueprint is to help couples dealing with infidelity increase their level of insight and self-compassion the Developmental and Sexual Blueprint can be used for a wide range of therapeutic purposes.

Affair therapy is not primarily motivated by either keeping the couple together or separating them. Positive outcomes are based on either increased trust and commitment in a continued relationship or mitigating betrayal shock and acrimony in separating partners. Completing the blueprint increases both partner’s insight into their sexual and relational desires and needs, decreasing impulsive or deceptive sexual and relational behaviors. 

December 11, 2024: 11 AM -1 PM NZST

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