Introduction: When the Romantic Spark Feels Distant
“Is the passion gone for good?”
It’s a question whispered behind closed doors, often tinged with sadness or fear. Life’s busy routines, career stress, raising kids—these pressures can quietly dampen that once-fiery chemistry. Yet, most couples want to believe there’s a way to reignite those butterflies, that tingling sense of “I can’t wait to see you.”
At Relate, we’ve guided thousands of couples who felt their spark slip away. What we consistently find is that reigniting passion is not about grand gestures—it’s about targeted relationship skills that nurture emotional safety, physical closeness, and playful attraction.
In this blog, we’ll explore the often-underestimated role of flirting in keeping marriages alive, the fear many people have around losing their spark, and practical insights from the Relational Brain Model—including how chemicals like Oxytocin and Phenylethylamine (PEA) fuel passion. We’ll reference Relate.online/port to show how the Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy approach (PORT) can help you reconnect deeply.
Ready to rekindle? Let’s spark the flame once more.
1. Understanding the Fear: “What If We’ve Grown Apart?”
It starts subtly:
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You stop hugging spontaneously.
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You trade flirty banter for short texts about groceries.
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You see your partner more as a roommate than a romantic lover.
A common fear is: “What if we’ve grown so far apart that no amount of effort can bring us back?” I’ve sat with couples where one partner is desperate to recapture the excitement, while the other is convinced that the spark is simply gone. But, from experience, that fear often stems from unaddressed emotional disconnection—not a permanent loss of love.
Key Takeaway: Most people need better relationship skills, not a different partner. Your marriage may just need a structured path to guide you back to affectionate curiosity.
2. Flirting: More Than Just for “Newlyweds”
When you think of flirting, do you picture young singles at a bar, giggling over cocktails? Truth is, married couples benefit enormously from flirting—sending playful signals that say, “I still find you exciting, intriguing, and worth pursuing.”
Why Flirting Matters
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Maintains Sense of Attraction – Reminds you both that you’re more than co-parents or co-bill-payers.
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Builds Anticipation – A wink, a cheeky text, or an unexpected compliment can create a ripple of excitement.
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Reinforces Emotional Bond – Flirting often leads to laughter or shared smiles, reminding you of the fun side of romance.
When couples stop flirting, their daily interactions can start feeling like administrative meetings. But when they keep that playful spark, they remain anchored in mutual desire, not just duty.
3. The Relational Brain Model: Oxytocin and Phenylethylamine (PEA)
A Quick Brain-Chemistry Primer
The Relational Brain Model—as taught in Relate’s PORT approach—emphasises how our neurochemistry underpins attraction and attachment.
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Oxytocin: Often dubbed the “cuddle hormone,” released during physical touch, emotional bonding, and orgasm. It fosters trust and intimacy.
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Phenylethylamine (PEA): A natural stimulant that contributes to the “I can’t stop thinking about you” sensation. Typically higher in the infatuation stage, but can be boosted with novelty and excitement in long-term relationships.
Why These Chemicals Matter for Married Couples
Over time, Oxytocin can keep you feeling safe and attached, while strategic doses of PEA can keep that zest and excitement alive. Instead of letting your chemistry fade into routine, you can stimulate these hormones through intentional acts:
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Gentle touch or cuddling (Oxytocin)
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Spontaneous fun or adventure (PEA)
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Extended eye contact and playful banter (both Oxytocin & PEA)
The Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy approach highlights how mindful presence—being fully “there” emotionally and physically—lets you harness these neurochemical advantages for deeper connection.
4. Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy (PORT): It’s About Quality of Connection
Relate.online/port introduces PORT, a model focusing on genuine presence between partners. Traditional therapy might zero in on communication techniques or conflict resolution. PORT, however, prioritises:
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Being fully emotionally available (increasing Oxytocin)
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Introducing novelty and appreciation (stoking PEA for excitement)
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Fostering playful contact, such as flirting, gentle teasing, or stolen kisses
The brilliance of PORT is that it’s not just about “fixing problems”—it’s about cultivating an environment where love and passion can thrive. That environment is sustained through daily micro-moments of flirtation, kindness, touch, and mutual curiosity.
5. Overcoming the Spark-Loss Fear: Practical Strategies
Strategy #1: Re-Learn the Art of Flirting
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Send an unexpected text: Something simple like, “Remember that night in Queenstown? You looked so incredible.”
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Physical compliments: “You have the most alluring smile,” or “I can’t help but notice how great you look in that outfit.”
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Playful innuendo: Light touches of humour or suggestive comments, keeping it tasteful but cheeky enough to raise an eyebrow.
Why It Works: You remind each other that you’re still attracted and interesting—not just functional cohabitants. These tiny seeds of playful energy can lead to bigger emotional payoffs.
Strategy #2: Schedule Mini-Adventures (Boosting PEA)
Routines are romance killers because they starve your brain of novelty. Novelty triggers dopamine and can heighten PEA—the chemical linked to that giddy, in-love sensation.
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Try a new restaurant or cuisine once a month
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Book a surprise getaway, even if it’s just one night
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Experiment with a new hobby together—dance lessons, painting, or an outdoor activity
Why It Works: Novelty + shared experience = a surge in feel-good chemicals, giving you a taste of those early relationship fireworks.
Strategy #3: Prioritise Physical Affection (Boosting Oxytocin)
Small acts of physical touch do wonders:
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Hugs that last at least 20 seconds (studies show extended hugs trigger more Oxytocin release)
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Hand-holding during walks or while watching TV
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Cuddling before sleep—phones away
Why It Works: Oxytocin fosters secure bonding, reducing stress hormones like cortisol. If you’re feeling distant or tense, consistent, gentle touch can melt barriers and restore a sense of safety.
Strategy #4: Use “Appreciative Presence” from PORT
PORT teaches that simply being there in a moment of joy or tension with your full, focused presence can shift the dynamic dramatically.
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Look your partner in the eyes when they speak—no multitasking.
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Mirror their emotions—reflect back what they’re feeling.
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Offer empathic words: “I see how stressed you are. I’m here for you.”
Why It Works: When you feel truly seen, your body secretes Oxytocin, and you become more receptive to affectionate or flirty gestures.
Strategy #5: Talk About Your Fears—Openly
The fear of losing passion can fester if left unspoken. Consider a gentle conversation:
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Acknowledge the fear: “I’ve been worried that we’re losing our spark. Do you ever feel that way?”
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Invite collaboration: “I want us to feel that excitement again. Can we try some new habits together?”
Why It Works: Voicing fears disempowers them. Together, you can work on creative solutions—like a weekly “flirt date” or a bedtime ritual that fosters more closeness.
6. Common Objections: “We’re Too Busy,” “It Feels Awkward,” or “We Have Bigger Issues”
Objection A: “We’re Too Busy”
Between full-time jobs, kids’ schedules, and home responsibilities, many couples claim they have no time for romance. But flirting doesn’t demand hours—a 30-second cheeky text can spark connection.
Tip: Schedule it. Set a daily reminder to send a sweet note or plan a 5-minute cuddle break. Small, consistent acts become second nature.
Objection B: “It Feels Awkward to Flirt Again”
If you’ve spent years in a more serious or distant dynamic, flirting might feel contrived at first. But as with any skill, practice leads to natural ease. Start with light compliments or playful teasing. Over time, that “awkwardness” dissolves into familiarity.
Objection C: “We Have Serious Problems—Flirting Won’t Fix Them”
Flirting is not a cure-all for deep-seated issues like betrayals or severe conflicts. However, reigniting intimacy can lay a foundation of goodwill, making it easier to address bigger challenges. Consider coupling your new “spark-building” habits with professional help from Relate Team Members if your relationship is weighed down by significant emotional baggage.
7. How Relate’s School of Love Can Help
At Relate.online, the School of Love helps you integrate these spark-building strategies into daily life. The School of Love has PORT’s information - but presented in a way that’s helpful for couples. Expect:
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Step-by-step modules on flirting, emotional presence, and effective communication (5 Secrets)
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Practical exercises for stoking Oxytocin and PEA in real time (Connection Windows; Hero and Madonna Hug)
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Expert guidance grounded in the Presence Oriented Relationship Therapy (PORT) model (Deep dives like Communication and Loving With the Whole Brain)
This is a supportive pathway that acknowledges you’re busy yet craves deeper intimacy. The goal is not perfection, but consistent progress in reigniting that “we’re in this together” energy.
8. When to Seek Relationship Therapy
If tension, resentment, or emotional distance feel overwhelming, it might be time to enlist professional help. A therapist can guide you to untangle complex issues like:
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Sexual dissatisfaction or mismatched desire
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Longstanding emotional hurts or broken trust
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Conflicting visions for the marriage
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Past or ongoing trauma that dampens intimacy
Relate’s Therapy Team specialises in both the emotional and neurological aspects of connection, helping you rebuild a foundation for genuine passion—one conversation at a time.
9. Real Stories: A Glimpse of What’s Possible
“We Never Thought We Could Flirt Again”
Jake (42) and Lila (39) had two kids and demanding careers*. They hadn’t shared a single playful moment in months, let alone flirted. But with a gentle nudge—sending each other a playful text a day—they rediscovered laughter and started to feel “that old spark.” Flirting made them more open to physical affection, which in turn led to more frequent date nights.
“Oxytocin Over Coffee”
Ash (37) and Hiro (40) felt locked in stress mode*. Both carried so many responsibilities that intimacy slipped away. We encouraged them to spend 10 minutes each morning just cuddling on the couch—no phone, no tasks. The extended hug triggered Oxytocin, and soon they found themselves smiling, teasing, and chatting like they did in their early days. This small ritual spilled over into better mood, which made flirting more natural throughout the day.
*Stories are pseudonyms and combinations of real stories
10. Putting It All Together: A Daily Dose of Spark
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Flirty Check-Ins: A mischievous grin or quick compliment sends the message, “You still excite me.”
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Intentional Touch: Hold each other a bit longer, sit close, or surprise them with a light shoulder rub.
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Novelty & Play: Try new experiences, whether it’s a cooking class or a late-night walk.
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Presence and Attunement: Practice consistent listening and empathy—an environment of emotional safety fosters romantic risk-taking.
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Celebrate the Little Wins: Even small sparks—like sharing a laugh at an inside joke—accumulate to reignite the flame fully.
Conclusion: You Can Reclaim the Spark—Starting Now
Nobody wants the “slow fade” love story. Yet, many couples fear it’s inevitable. In reality, most marriages have a reservoir of dormant passion. With the right attention—like playful flirting, mindful presence, and a focus on nurturing Oxytocin and Phenylethylamine—you can reignite those deep, excited feelings that once swept you off your feet.
Next Steps
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Enrol in the Relate School of Love for structured modules on flirting, closeness, and connection.
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Consider a session with a Relate therapist if larger issues are overshadowing your spark.
Remember, it’s never too late to flirt, to laugh, to rediscover why you fell in love. With gentle commitment and consistent effort, you’ll do more than recapture the spark—you’ll fan it into a renewed fire of intimacy, excitement, and lifelong partnership.
